Girl, You So Well Spoken!

Whether you were at home with family, popping champagne, in a church, or in your room staring at a wall, I hope your New Year's Celebration was everything you wanted it to be!

Another year has come and gone, and as this new one begins, look back at your life and your choices and learn from them.

The only thing constant in the world is change. So embrace it, love it, and do it for the better :)

Thanks for continuing to read!

xx,

j

Christmas came and went, and I'm not gonna lie, I was more than a little bit Scroogey...

While it wasn't the traditional Yuletide holiday for me, it did give me much pause to reflect about this past year and the coming year, as the holidays always do. I'm trying to figure out what I want out of life and, in the least, figure out what I don't want.

I'm not sure what tomorrow is going to bring. All I can do is live and love, right? That's all any of us can do...

Anyway... in slightly unrelated news, this "crossroads" situation is becoming more and more perplexing as time passes. As footloose and fancy-free as I try to make myself think I am, there is always a point where I stop letting go and start holding my breath and over-analyzing everything...

So here I am, smothering the mess out of my emotions. I just can't let go. And it isn't about not being able to trust him, it's about not being able to trust me. I mean, being ready for a relationship, a real, honest-to-goodness relationship, means not wanting anyone else, right? I've made the wrong choice way too many times. I'm that girl who leaps at spontaneity, because I mean, who knows whether or not Opportunity is knocking because He comes bearing The Gift of Love, right?

I never trust the spot in which I'm standing, I'm always wondering if I'm really in the right place or if I need to move three inches to the left. I feel like I'm at an All-You-Can-Eat Buffett. It's nonsensical to load your plate up with ONE thing when you paid $25.00 so that you could sample your little heart out!

Ok, bad analogy, I know.

But you get the point.

I'm hopeless.

Dear Anonymous,

I know this blog has more than one anonymous reader, but you know who you are. I'm posting this so you know that I didn't simply ignore you. To answer your question: Yes, it is. But, there are certain realities of corporate life that exist everywhere. It isn't about the specific entity as a whole, it's about some (perhaps even only a few, I can only speak from experience as far as who I've encountered) individuals. For example, does having a Black President-Elect mean that racism in America doesn't exist? No, it doesn't.

I know this is cryptic, but I hope that it answers your question. If not, send me an email or IM. I'm sure you can understand why I've chosen not to address the manner publicly anymore.

Keep reading & have a happy holiday!

Peace & Energy :)

MissJodie

So Saturday I was completely bummed out.

I blame Christmas. What is it about the holidays that seems to successfully put me in a dark mood this year?

Anyway, the tears came at around 4 o'clock. I hate crying. So, naturally, I called him ("him" of the reunion. & the strange crossroads). He's become something of a good friend. A best friend, even. Well, he didn't answer. At which point I was now frustrated and angry at myself. For crying, first of all. And for needing to hear his voice in order to feel happy. And when we finally spoke hours later (he was at dinner at the time of my call), I told him just that.

Let's take three steps back, I said. Cuz I need you and I don't want to. Don't quote me, but you get the gist.

He acquiesced. The conversation didn't last much longer after that. I told him I needed to go find my happy place. He said he needed to go and pack for the drive home on Monday.

Twenty hours later, he shows up on my front porch. My roommates were alarmed--they know that there is always a possibility that dropping in on a single girl may not end very well. He knew it too, but apparently seeing my smile outweighed that risk. Two cups of coffee, one red bull, a bottle of No Doze, and fifteen hours on the open road were all apparently also insignificant hurdles.

Wow.

As much as I abhor surprise visits, I cannot possibly articulate what I felt when he walked into my room with that smile that blazes in his eyes well before it ever reaches his mouth (take notes, Tyra)...

So much for taking three steps back.

They say that the best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup.

It might not be the best part, but that damn jingle is exactly what runs through my mind during one of the 3 to 4 times in the day that I find myself pouring a cup of black coffee from the break room.

This is what my life has become.

The days meld into each other (I didn't even realize today was Friday, actually Friday, until I sat at my desk and looked at what day I needed to cross off the calendar) and I spend 10 to 12 consecutive hours inside the same building, pouring myself cup after cup of unsweetened, milkless, Folgers. I don't think I even notice the bitterness of it anymore.

The bitterness suits me anyway, because right now I am perfectly bitter about my work situation. The sign should have said "Welcome To The Boys Club" on that first day, bright and early back in September. Somehow, I've disappeared into the shadow of my male colleague. I don't even exist. Our work has become his work. And I have no clue as to when that happened.

But I don't blame anyone but myself. Sometimes, when you're a woman, resting on your laurels does nothing but give them a better reason to overlook you. It's not enough to be good, or as good as. You have to be better. You have to humiliate them with your knowledge and intelligence so that they respect you not because it's natural but because they have to. Game-recognize-game style.

So now I have an uphill battle. I smile a little less. And I take my coffee black.